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AKABAS | A Way Too In-Depth Analysis of the Avengers: Infinity War Trailer

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Last Friday, the second Avengers: Infinity War trailer was released, and millions of nerds around the country immediately creamed their pants. Let’s analyze it. Here is the trailer, for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past week (although if you haven’t seen the trailer yet, I have no idea why you would have clicked on this article):

0:01 – If you don’t see that shot and immediately think of this, I don’t know if we can be friends.

0:06 – Unlike the first Infinity War trailer, the first 45 seconds of this trailer isn’t just a teaser trailer for the rest of the trailer.

0:09 – Classic unnecessary pronoun game.

0:16 – “Wiping out half the universe” is a pretty odd goal. At that point, just go all the way. I bet Trump wouldn’t have won the election if he had promised to build only half the wall, or if he’d severely offended and disrespected only half of Americans. Wait…

0:37 – Classic near world-ending event in a comic book movie occurring in Manhattan.

0:40 – Classic “We have one advantage… he’s coming to us.” I mean, I get how it applies to sports teams playing at home, but I don’t really understand how it applies here. Only like two of the Avengers are actually from New York City, and it’s not like they hold practices in their home arena or something.

0:42 – I don’t understand how Doctor Strange is going to work into these fights. Can’t he can just travel to another dimension and do stuff there? Maybe his altering of dimensions is our explanation for why Thanos looks absolutely nothing like he did in the first Avengers post-credits scene:

0:44 – I hate every minute of these movies that’s been spent making us listen to Scarlet Witch talking about her forced, awkward love story with Vision in an indeterminate accent. Scarlet Witch is an irrelevant character — we’re multiple movies into her storyline and all we really know about her is that her power somehow involves doing hand-wavy things.

0:45 – Can someone please remind what the f*** Vision is?

0:47 – This might be the greatest cast of any movie ever. If you go to the cast and crew section on IMDB, Oscar-nominees Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Benicio Del Toro, Mark Ruffalo, Bradley Cooper, and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t even show up on the first page.

0:50 – Does anyone else ship Shuri and Peter Parker? Based on what we saw in in Homecoming, I’d say she’s his type, if you know what I mean.

0:56 – All three Marvel Chrises… in the same movie! My current ranking would go Hemsworth-Evans-Pratt (maybe some Thor: Ragnarok recency bias), but that could change hundreds of times during the course of watching Infinity War.

1:06 – Captain America looking like that one random white guy in the HUMBLE. music video.

1:07 – How is Black Widow still alive? She’s been in four major superhero battles with nothing but a handgun! She literally has one move (the scissor kick into the flip). If she doesn’t die soon, I think that’s a pretty safe sign that nobody is ever dying in this universe.

1:11 – When people are buying tickets months in advance to a movie with a talking racoon, you know Marvel has its audience in the palm of its hand. Actually, we knew this six years ago when audiences sat through 10 minutes of credits to see the side of Thanos’s face for two seconds.

1:16 – I was hoping the MCU would double down on the bright, popping, comic-book colors from Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and Thor: Ragnarok, but it looks like they haven’t. Say what you want about the DCEU, but their movies at least look like comic-book movies, which is something the MCU, particularly the two previous movies directed by the Russo Brothers (Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Captain America: Civil War), can’t say. Oh well. It’s not a deal-breaker (clearly, since the DCEU still sucks).

1:19 – The CGI on Thanos is 300 times better than the CGI on the Justice League villain, whose name I can’t even remember… Stephen Curry? No, that’s not it. Wolf Blitzer? No, not that either. I give up. My previous point about the DCEU stands.

1:24 – Interesting. So Thanos doesn’t want to destroy half of the universe geographically, he just wants to go to planets individually and destroy half the people on each one? I just hope Thanos doesn’t end up on the Mount Rushmore of Marvel villains with weak motivations, joining Whiplash (saw Tony Stark on TV, got jealous, thought it might be fun to fight him in Iron Man 2), Malekith (elf dude who wanted to destroy the entire universe for no reason in Thor: The Dark World), and Ronan the Accuser (blue dude who talked like he was in a Shakespeare tragedy instead of a Marvel comedy and wanted to destroy an entire planet for no reason in Guardians of the Galaxy). Loki from Thor, Killmonger from Black Panther, and Michael Keaton’s third flying animal-related role of his career from Spiderman: Homecoming left an impact on viewers because they each wanted something specific that wasn’t simply to take over the world.

1:25 – When you realize you’re going to have to wait another entire year for Infinity War: Part 2.

1:28 – Gosh, I wish this movie were 10 hours long.

1:29 – In terms of movie character coolness, I think Black Panther here surpasses John Wick calmly strolling through a nightclub after killing like 15 people. Also, did you know Chadwick Boseman is 41 years old? He’s almost as close in age to Forest Whitaker as he is to Michael B. Jordan. He must have gotten his hands on whatever Tom Brady’s been taking.

1:38 – Oh s***, it’s Lord Voldemort’s long-lost acupuncturist cousin!

1:41 – WHAT ARE THOSE??????!!!!!!!

1:48 – Get this man a razor. 

1:49 – When you walk up the stairs from the suspension bridge to an 8:40a.m. lecture in 10-degree weather.

1:55 – More like “Avengers: A Main Character Might Actually Die Because All the Actors’ Contracts Are Expiring.”

2:03 – GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! THAT SUIT! GAAAAAHHHHH! TOM HOLLAND IS SO CUTE!

2:13 – Wait, did I just see an stunt in an MCU action scene that didn’t have four cuts?

2:14 – I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old, and I’m lucky enough to be alive when Avengers: Infinity War comes out.

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