September 28, 2016

NOBODY’S OPINIONS | Trump Killed the First Debate

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Photo Courtesy of the New York Times

I have to hand it to Donald J. Trump, he truly is a genius in ways I never thought anyone could ever be. The man was amazing in the first debate! He handed Hillary such a thorough defeat (almost on a platter) that I was for a time left totally speechless by the content of his answers.

Where to start? I suppose at the beginning, though Trump’s opener was kind of lacklustre; at the start of the debate Trump abandoned his usual assertive, confident demeanor in favor of a more restrained, presidential look. His answers, like the man himself, were somewhat lacking in their usual fervor, but instead embodied the keen, shiny appearance of a wet mango, with the accompanying abundance of high-quality meat. Even his voice, which has evolved over the course of many debates for the express purpose of shouting over Jeb Bush, seemed almost dignified as he talked about our famously horrible trade deals.

Thankfully, this farce came to a quick and satisfying end after a few minutes, when Trump’s voice regained its charming shouty quality. He immediately put it to good use, interrupting Hillary as well as the moderator Holt several times with very good points. For example, when it was pointed out that he was hoping the housing bubble would crash in the mid 2000s, Trump aptly responded “that’s called business”, showing clearly how much Trump cares for the little guys and the less fortunate out there, particularly the ones unfortunate enough to be employed by his company. He also derided the conflicts of interest of the many politicians who secretly serve on the boards of various companies, drawing a stark contrast to Trump himself, who openly serves on the boards of various companies. Trump further contrasted his behavior to HIllary’s, claiming that she has been fighting ISIS her entire adult life, whereas Trump’s comments have- been helping to grow ISIS for just as long. In all cases Trump’s clever rejoinder left the audience entirely speechless.

After a while, though, Trump’s remarkable answers began to grow boring. I am sure many watchers felt themselves losing touch with the candidate until he began making a series of statements that connected strongly with undecided voters. In subscribing, during the most important political moment of his life, to a lack of knowledge and interest along with a refusal to face facts and a tendency to spout incoherent nonsense, Trump skillfully embodied the essence of the voters who remain undecided in this election. Trump especially made a play to all of Bernie Sanders’ primary voters, presciently choosing not to press Hillary on her emails or on Benghazi in the same way that arguably cost Sanders the election. Brilliant!

Trump’s genius, though, isn’t limited to mere tactical plays in the political arena; Trump aptly demonstrated during the debate his impressive command of the English language. Trump, after all, knows his words, and he truly has, as to paraphrase the man, the best words and great command of them. Braggadocious, which he used in the debate, is truly a great word, especially when it is being used, as Trump did, to describe how humble you are. He also used the trick of repetition for emphasis, by repeatedly using the word “wrong” to refer to anything he said. Perhaps the best word he used, though, was “bigly”, which surprisingly referred neither to his hands nor his opponent’s, for a change. However, it was nonetheless effective simply because the word itself is irrefudiably excelleptional. Bigly is a great word like pineapple is a great number, and that’s all there is to say about it.

In what may have been his greatest moment of the night, Trump completely erased any lingering doubts that he is either racist or sexist. By suggesting that he was guilty of racial discrimination, but never admitted to it, Trump not only showed how valuable his word isenough to get him out of jailbut also laid the debate regarding his racism to rest. The comment at the end about a woman he had called Ms. Housekeeping was parried excellently by Trump. You could almost see Hillary’s face go red when Trump responded to the charge with “Ok, good”demonstrating not only his aforementioned mastery of linguistics but his high-level thought processing in clear and vivid detail.

I think I’ve adequately covered Trump’s most brilliant quotations from yesterday. Some headlines that slipped through the cracks: the Don makes NATO an offer they can’t refuse when he threatens to extort them for “protection”; Trump says that he stiffed people he hired because it was good for other people he hired, who he also stiffed; Trump suggests that cyberterrorism is caused by 400-pound hackers sitting on their beds, which is totally false, as all the 400-pound hackers sitting on their beds are too occupied watching Trump constantly make a fool of himself. Yeah, Trump was brilliant last night: I don’t think it was possible to foul up the debate more cleanly and thoroughly than he did, and the man’s efforts in stopping Trump from getting elected are truly commendable.    


*note: this article is meant to be satirical, although some content is 100% true. If you didn’t notice, you should really stop watching Fox News*