First of all, why the bloody hell is this game called football if the least talented player is the kicker? But before I get too miffed, I’d like to tell you all about how this year’s American Football Championship Match will “go down” as you Americans say it.
In the first quarter the Eagles will throw some touchdowns. Many touchdowns. Around two to three, I reckon, would be an appropriate estimate for the number of touchdowns that will be scored by the Eagles in the first quarter. A home-run quarter and three cheers for them!
By this time, though, Tom Brady will be ‘frowing a proper paddy on the side of the pitch, as he watches his defensemen lumber around in their 22-stone bodies. And Mr. Bill Belichik Esq. will stare down his team until they decide to stop playing like grade-schoolers. Not yet knackered, the Eagles defensive members will be energized enough to knock Brady around for 15 minutes.
Score after 1 Quarter: A bunch to a lot less, bruv.
The Eagles will continue their barrage through the second quarter, astounding Patriots fans, and even inspiring some of them to start a chant: “Bloody hell, Mr. Tom; go back home to your mum. You’re a cock-up, Mr. Brady—playing like a sickly lady!”
Score at the Half: Even more to the same measly amount.
While Justin Timberlake prances around the stage during the halftime spectacle, the Eagles and Patriots fans at your viewing party will be in fierce competition themselves. Both hailing from the American centers of rudeness and filth (the Declaration of Independence was signed in Philadelphia, while the Boston plebs chucked a load of tea off a dock just to wind up us Brits), these fans will bark a conversation along the lines of:
“Ha, we’re gonna win, bro!” – Eagles fan.
“Uh, no you’re not, look at what happened last year, my man.” – Patriots fan.
“What did you just say to me!?” *Eagles fan beats his chest*
“You heard me, wanna go?” *Patriots fan crushes his cruddy American light beer with his bare hand as a show of strength*
Anyway, back to the match.
It doesn’t really matter what happens in the third quarter, because in my humble and respectable British opinion, I do quite side with the Patriots fan in this particular case. Nick Foles will have followed his game plan perfectly: look at the field, hike the ball, pass to a green bloke, Bob’s your uncle, score a touchdown. But Tom Brady will be proper chuffed winning the whole ‘fing in the end.
Final Score: 37-34 Patriots take home the silver American Football trophy. It’s such an ugly prize, I must add.
Translation guide (in order of appearance):
miffed—upset or offended
paddy—a temper tantrum
stone—a measure of weight used in Britain
knackered—a word used to describe tiredness or exhaustion
bruv—like bro but British
cock-up—a mistake of large or epic proportions
Bob’s your uncle—an expression used in the end of a series of basic instructions.
chuffed—expresses a feeling of pride at your own actions or achievements
Phrases found on: