September 9, 2016

AKABAS | A Non-Exhaustive List of People Who I Would Vote For President Over Donald Trump

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To Republicans, Donald Trump is like receiving scented candles for a holiday gift: you don’t want it, but for social reasons, you have to pretend like you don’t hate it. To Democrats, Donald Trump is like receiving a pet monkey for a holiday gift: it seems harmless and even amusing at first, but it’s actually the most annoying thing ever.

I am in the latter group, and I wouldn’t trust Donald Trump to place a dinner order over the phone, much less be leader of the free world for four years. But I’m wondering just how deep into the barrel I’d need to reach to find someone who I wouldn’t vote for over Donald Trump.

For many opposing candidates, my decision wouldn’t even be close, such as Michael Bloomberg (perhaps the only moderate politician alive), Michelle Obama (who recently joined Ryan Gosling as the only perfect human being), Jon Stewart (who would obviously run with John Oliver and call themselves “John Squared”), Mark Cuban (an outspoken, successful, aggressive billionaire who isn’t also a racist, sexist lunatic) and Cornell Psychology Professor David Pizarro. Let’s discuss some of the other options who, despite their flaws, would still be better candidates than Trump.

Oprah Winfrey
Running Mate: Bernie Sanders

You get a free college education! And you get a free college education! Everyone gets a free college education!

Photo Courtesy of The Wall Street Journal

Photo Courtesy of The Wall Street Journal

Gregg Popovich
Running Mate: Tim Duncan

First of all, Trump thinks that achieving “tremendous success” is the same thing as making sacrifices for the country. If that’s the case, then the San Antonio Spurs have made YUGE sacrifices for our country. YUGE.

On a more practical note, based on his court-side interviews, Pop’s brevity would save everyone lot of time when it comes to speeches. The entirety of his State of the Union Address would read, “There’s income inequality, but America’s still a great country. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson
Running Mate: Bill Nye the Science Guy

For the record, Trump believes the following statements to be factual: climate change was created by the Chinese to hurt American manufacturing, more than 40% of Americans are unemployed, Muslim American citizens cheered during 9/11 and “180,000 illegal immigrants are tonight roaming free to threaten peaceful citizens.” More than ever, we need a President who respects the truth, and deGrasse Tyson respects the truth so much that he once felt compelled to clarify via Twitter that the Cincinnati Bengals’ game-winning field goal only went through the uprights because of the Earth’s rotation.

Morgan Freeman
Running Mate: Penguins

When Ben Affleck was cast as Batman, he was issued death threats; Morgan Freeman literally played God in a movie, and nobody had a problem with it. I have always been a firm believer in a federal law that all voiceovers, in any context, must be done by Morgan Freeman. His narration makes watching “The Shawshank Redemption” with your eyes closed one of the best movie-watching experiences of all time. Morgan Freeman could read the phone book for his nomination acceptance speech and it would sound better than the stale carrot cake puking all over the stage that we got at the RNC.

Liam Neeson
Running Mate: A Leather Jacket

If Americans are so keen on a Presidential candidate who stands up to terrorists that they’re willing to disregard all other traits of that candidate, wouldn’t we want the guy who killed like 100 Albanians over the course of two “Taken” movies to be President? Trump once said regarding former prisoner of war John McCain that he likes people who weren’t captured, but does that mean he also has an issue with people who were taken, because if anyone has an issue with Liam Neeson, I have an issue with them.


Photo Courtesy of Hollywood Life

Photo Courtesy of Hollywood Life

Kanye West
Running Mate: Kim Kardashian

Kanye announced last year that he wants to be President of the United States, which I’m still not sure could be said about Trump, and Kanye probably won’t use nuclear weapons. That’s right — “probably won’t use nuclear weapons” is a trait we took for granted in our presidential candidates for all these years.

Running Mate: Beyonce

He’s only got 99 problems; in this election, that’s nothing.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Running Mate: Vin Diesel

I just want to see this fight take place inside the White House. That’s really all I’ve ever wanted.

An Actual Rock
Running Mate: John Kasich

Kasich would be in charge of domestic policy and foreign policy, and the inanimate rock would be in charge of making America great again.

A Chocolate Chip Cookie
Running Mate: A Glass of Milk

Worst comes to absolute worst, we eat the cookie, drink the milk, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan becomes President. That’s a worst case scenario, and it’s certainly better than the worst case scenario with Trump.

An Eight-Year-Old Bully Crying As He Loses A Game Because “IT’S NOT FAIR!
Running Mate: Mike Pence

Wait, we already have one of those running for President. Let me give you a hint… his name rhymes with Shmonald Dump.