To Republicans, Donald Trump is like receiving scented candles for a holiday gift: you don’t want it, but for social reasons, you have to pretend like you don’t hate it. To Democrats, Donald Trump is like receiving a pet monkey for a holiday gift: it seems harmless and even amusing at first, but it’s actually the most annoying thing ever. I am in the latter group, and I wouldn’t trust Donald Trump to place a dinner order over the phone, much less be leader of the free world for four years. But I’m wondering just how deep into the barrel I’d need to reach to find someone who I wouldn’t vote for over Donald Trump. For many opposing candidates, my decision wouldn’t even be close, such as Michael Bloomberg (perhaps the only moderate politician alive), Michelle Obama (who recently joined Ryan Gosling as the only perfect human being), Jon Stewart (who would obviously run with John Oliver and call themselves “John Squared”), Mark Cuban (an outspoken, successful, aggressive billionaire who isn’t also a racist, sexist lunatic) and Cornell Psychology Professor David Pizarro.