Meet Corinne. She is a contestant on Season 21 (yup, that’s not a typo) of The Bachelor, she inherited her family’s million dollar business, she is 24 years old and she has a nanny. A personal, live-in nanny.
On Monday’s episode of The Bachelor, the greatest competition ever invented by mankind other than SlamBall, when Corinne was interrogated by the other girls on the show about said nanny, she launched into an epic monologue about said nanny. There is easily accessible video evidence of this on YouTube, which gives me hope that we haven’t utterly failed as a society, but here’s the transcript:
Raquel keeps my life together, okay? She makes sure that my bed is made every morning. [She] makes my cucumber and vegetable slices for lunch. She makes me lemon salad; she knows exactly how much oil, lemon and garlic salt I like… and cheese pasta. I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta, and I can’t make cheese pasta like her.
Now, before we break this down line by line, it is worth noting that Corinne’s remarks cannot be entirely trusted, as she has said both “It’s rude when people interrupt me” and “If you can’t handle being interrupted, then why are you here?” But, for the purposes of this exercise, we will judge Corinne’s words as if they were the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
“Raquel keeps my life together, okay?”
Corinne is currently on a national television show in which 30 girls convince themselves that they’re in love with a guy they’ve never met, and they all live together in the same house as he dates all 30 of them at the same time and asks one of them to marry him after eight weeks of artificial dates. In only two weeks of near-constant drunkenness on this show, Corinne has already incurred the absolute hatred of every other girl in the house, referred to choreography as “planned dancing,” uttered the word “myself” five times in a seven-second span during a meta identity crisis, exhibited an extreme and perhaps unhealthy commitment to napping, made out with Nick by making him eat whipped cream off of her body and laid in bed crying in a heap because Nick did not immediately propose to her after she made him eat whipped cream off of her body. Oh wait, that was all just the last episode. Let’s just say that Corinne’s life is far from “together.”
“She makes sure that my bed is made every morning”
When I hear “keeps my life together,” I think of phrases like “manages my finances,” “schedules my appointments and meetings,” and “helps me in CS 3110 office hours.” I really don’t care whether or not my bed is ever made, much less whether it’s made in the morning, 12 hours before I actually go to bed. And this is the very first thing Corinne mentions.
“[She] makes my cucumber and vegetable slices for lunch”
Corinne, cucumber is a vegetable. Saying “She makes my cucumber and vegetable slices” is like saying “Cocoa Krispies and cereal are the most underrated desserts” or “I watch The Bachelor and trashy TV shows.”
Also, if you had a nanny who could make you whatever you wanted for lunch, would you really go with cucumber slices? Not grilled cheese? Not fish tacos? Not literally anything other than cucumber slices?
“She makes me lemon salad”
What the f*** is lemon salad?
“She knows exactly how much oil, lemon and garlic salt I like…”
Yeah, if we’re being honest, this so-called “lemon salad” actually sounds pretty tasty. Raquel is beginning to live up to the hype.
“And cheese pasta”
There is no freaking way that Corinne has ever eaten cheese pasta, because there is no freaking way that Corinne has ever eaten carbs, and I know this because (1) They don’t allow women on The Bachelor who have ever eaten carbs, (2) She eats cucumber slices for lunch and (3) She has definitely seen Mean Girls no fewer than 400 times and is on a complete anti-Regina-George diet, which pains Corinne because Regina George is her role model.
Also, I’m sorry to do this again, but what the f*** is cheese pasta?
“I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta, and I can’t make cheese pasta like her”
Okay, if you’re talking about mac and cheese, then just call it mac and cheese, and if you’re just talking about pasta with some parmesan sprinkled on top, then how on earth are you unable to make that dish adequately? That’s like the first thing you learn how to cook after how to heat up a frozen pizza. I mean, I’m only 19 years old, and I was already making cheese pasta back when iPods could barely fit in your pocket.
You know what? It makes sense that Corinne has a nanny. She’s sleeps a lot, cries when she doesn’t get attention and is often naked. But this doesn’t excuse what’s going on here. That giant bouncy castle Corinne used to seduce Nick? I bet she made Raquel inflate it herself. The Corinne-Raquel situation has officially crossed the line from hilarious to terrifying, and the world needs to know about it.