Ladies and gents, step right up. You’ve all been waiting for this one. As a follow up to my last article, Super Smash Bros. in the Black Community (a link to that article is at the bottom which may be helpful to read first if you’ve never heard of Super Smash Bros.), I’ve decided to expand on Smash Bros. and mix it in with a dash of politics, a smidgen more of humor, and a concise list of politicians to lighten up the mood as we head closer and closer to yet another historic Presidential election. Some of these politicians are not even in the race anymore, (nor were they ever), but this is my list and I do what I want with it. And as such, I’m required to write a disclaimer. Some of you who may be reading this will find this list ‘biased’. Some might say it’s crude or ‘uncivilized’. Some might think I’m a genius. Just remember, this is all comedy folks. No hard feelings, alright? Good. With that out of the way, please enjoy at your own leisure:
Obama is Mario
As expected. President Obama is the man in chief, the guy who runs this country and, in many ways, the world. Mario is the face of Nintendo and gaming. You know who he is with that little red hat, dingy blue overalls, and adorable, curly black mustache. A self-made, everyday guy with heart who gets the job done and is the first true video game hero in my eyes. There is no Nintendo without this plumber, who started it all in 1985 on the Nintendo Entertainment System(which many claim saved the gaming industry). Obama is remarkably similar to Mario with all he’s accomplished, legislating national healthcare, saving the economy…and of course, BEING THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. You really thought I wasn’t going to mention that? Oh, and Mario has a girlfriend named Peach who he always has to end up saving since she is constantly kidnapped by Bowser. Quite annoying, indeed, but for Obama’s sake since I’m obliged to equate Peach with Michelle (in order to make this analogy work), you know d**n well Michelle doesn’t play games like Peach. Try kidnapping her, you end up kidnapping yourself (*cough* Melania Trump *cough*). Plus, Mario’s final smash, the most powerful move a character can make in the game, is a gigantic fireball that nearly wipes all characters off the screen. I sincerely hope President Obama leaves office in January 2017 in a similarly resounding fashion. Get smoked Republicans!
Bernie Sanders is Villager
Bernie Sanders is still in the race, whether you believe me or not. The end of the race is Heaven, so he’s still around and he’s ready to pound, even if you didn’t know who he was until he entered the political race. It is obvious Sanders is Villager from the classic video game Animal Crossing because, lets face it, the guy connects to a younger, more energized crowd that pushes for systematic change. When that bird landed on the podium at one of his rallies, he was obviously the only candidate that had a true connection with nature. In the original Animal Crossing, you arrive in a town as the ‘Villager’, but you have no money to buy a house. So, this anthropomorphic raccoon named Tom Nook decides to lend you a house for a ridiculous price that’s only affordable through dirty work: catching fish, selling stuff you find dug up in holes, shaking trees for ripe fruit your neighbor might want to take off your hands. The game gets repetitive and you wishfully hope that the debt will somehow magically vaporize. But after you pay off the debt for the house, Nook renovates it again (without your permission) and you have more debt to pay. You realize everyone in the village has debt to pay or some chore to do for crooked Nook. Although that cute, innocent face suggests otherwise, you’re fed up. You start devising a plan to get Tom Nook out of your life, once and for all. And if that means gathering all the other villagers together, forming a united front and leading a real revolution, you’ll do it and whatever else it takes until the last berry is counted.
But soon, you realize Tom Nook has played you this whole time. The house is worth as much as Patrick’s rock. All the villagers you befriended have been talking behind your back. One day in the woods, you stumble across the Mayor’s palace. Wait, what? That’s right, you’re not living in a village at all. You live in a town, and the Mayor quite frankly runs the town. Tom Nook has merely been keeping you distracted so you couldn’t ever take over the town, sending out letters to other villagers to keep tabs on you and make sure your plans fall flat. In other words, the Mayor is Hillary Clinton, Tom Nook is former Democratic National Committee Chairman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, the villagers are DNC officials, and the letters are the scandalous emails. Poor Villager. Poor Bernie.
Hillary Clinton is Zelda
Former Secretary Clinton is known for having a lot of political experience, even way before her husband Bill Clinton took office. But she has a reputation as a perpetual liar, and whether that is true or false, I really don’t know. What I have noticed about her though is that, like many politicians, is that she will deflect the issue or say something brief to try to keep the issue out of sight if she doesn’t want to answer a particular question, only to reappear years later with a different answer. From her stance on the Iraq War to gay marriage, Hillary Clinton has changed her position on issues a few — or, some might say — many times. There’s also a stigma that she is rather untrustworthy. Zelda would be a perfect fit for Hillary Clinton not because she’s female, but because Zelda has attack moves in Smash Bros. that do everything I just mentioned: she can deflect attacks and vanish in thin air. And for those who didn’t know or haven’t played Super Smash Bros. Melee, Zelda can shapeshift into her tougher, ninja warrior type alter ego named Sheik, who can seriously kick butt…which is honestly so deceiving. We initially expected to only play with Zelda, who at first glance appears to be a typical, locked-in-a-tower princess-type who just so happens to have the ability to transform into the god-like Sheik? I mean Sheik is so fast and can be used to trigger chains of ninja attacks that, if comboed successfully, can send your foe reeling off the stage in minutes. Sheik’s ability, however, doesn’t overshadow Zelda’s if you know how to use her properly. It’s the balance and mastery of Zelda, this amazing two-in-one character, one of the best in the whole game. But on the other hand, we have yet to see Hillary knock the Donald off the debate stage with the power that Zelda brings, but I’m hoping her inner Sheik will come out and smack him upside the head in the final debate. It’d make the debates more interesting, I’d say.
Kanye West is Captain Falcon
An honorable mention that I had a burning desire to put on this list. He did said he was running for President in 2020, so I’d feel guilty excluding him as a potential politician in the future. If you’ve played enough Smash Bros., “FAAALCOOON PUUUNCH!” is something you’ve heard come out the mouth of Captain Falcon as he annihilates you with his powerful, flaming punch, equivalent to Kanye West’s “I’ma let you finish..” verbal punch to Taylor Swift at the VMAs. In addition, Kanye West has us feeling a falcon punch in general with every album he drops. From The College Dropout to The Life of Pablo, Kanye West has designed music so that when it reaches your ears, like a falcon punch, it burns in your consciousness with a heart-throbbing sound you’re going to love or hate. Moreover, Captain Falcon also has an ego that matches Kanye quite nicely: when he taunts other opponents he often says “Show me your moves!” while beckoning with his hands, or flexing his bulging muscles in your face just because he can. And you can’t deny Kanye be flexing with the money he makes in one arm and Kim Kardashian in the other. But I’ve often wondered, why does he think we care? What does self-aggrandizement achieve? It might be wise to stick to the music Kanye, but if you run, give America the ol’ knee of justice, will ya?
Ben Carson is Dr. Mario
Only fitting, because Ben Carson is also a doctor. In the game Dr. Mario, Dr. Mario fights viruses in a tetris-like game that uses falling pills instead of bricks. In smash, he’s merely a Mario Clone who does everything Mario is capable of, just a little slower, but slightly more powerful. And sure enough, conservative Republicans like to say that Ben Carson is ‘blacker’ than Obama…as if that falsehood makes Carson more powerful or better in some fashion…(*crickets*). And yes, I mentioned Dr. Mario is a bit slower than Mario too, didn’t I? Well…am I wrong here when saying Ben Carson is, in some sense, mentally slower than Obama? Ha! Of course he’s not, but when Carson makes statements like “Obamacare is worse than slavery”, “There’s no war on women; there may be war on women’s insides” and “I would not advocate we put a Muslim in charge of this nation,” you could make the case that he may have received that doctor’s degree from Everest rather than the University of Michigan Medical School. Of course, Dr. Mario has pills he can throw at you in Smash Bros to stun you, distracting you from the ridiculousness of his character whether you want him to or not. Wait, are we talking about Ben Carson or Bill Cosby?
Donald Trump is Wario
YES. Donald Trump is Wario. The match is almost too perfect. Wario’s big, he’s obnoxious, hot-tempered, and he loves money. So much so, that in one of his games he remodeled his house to build his own company called Wario Ware Inc. to rake in cash. And despite WarioWare, Inc. being a commercial success, Wario refuses to pay his employees and keeps all the money to himself. Wario Ware Inc. The Trump Organization. Are bells starting to ring? If this doesn’t sound like real estate mogul Donald Trump, I don’t know what does. Mind you, Wario has a gigantic, ugly pink nose that Trump doesn’t have (or does he?), but Trump’s toupee is just as iconic, distinctive, and repulsive. And although Wario doesn’t say controversial things like Trump, other than a few grunts and spurts of cacophonous laughter here and there, Wario commits similarly controversial actions in Super Smash Bros. He has an attack in which he can release an explosive, gaseous fart that flings players off the stage. He rides a gas-guzzling motorcycle that he uses to run over other foes. He eats anything in sight and taunts his opponents by shaking his butt at them. And yet, these unconventional fighting ‘attacks’ are legitimate reasons why he has a sizeable fanbase that loves him. He’s different. He’s an outsider. And he wants to make Super Smash Bros. great again. But hasn’t Super Smash Bros. always been great? Well if you go back to the first version of the game on the Nintendo 64, there were a lot less playable stages and characters, and if we’re talking about Trump and we go back in American history…hmm…
Who do you think these politicians would be if they were in Super Smash Bros.? What other politicians or celebrities would you add to the list? Sound off in the comments below!